Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Accurate
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
🤣😂🤣
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.