Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Current mood: Potato