ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters