This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice