PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
describing stardew valley
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job