vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Don’t talk down to me
The Punning Dead.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.