Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese