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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
LOOOOOOL
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
#oldknees
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start