Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Hero horse inspires millions
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”