I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!