Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
This meal prepping shit easy
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …