‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.