*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
become ungovernable
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.