Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?