When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY