A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping