“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?