Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
You Might Also Like
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I bet birds love this building.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Who’s your best friend?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.