WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I know this now 😂
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.