CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
let’s discuss
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
He wanted to make sure😂