I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
mood
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?