20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks