*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
At least he brought enough for everyone
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.