I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better