According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.