I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
You Might Also Like
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this