“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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those birds must be on payroll
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical