According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Cat is stressing him out.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’