No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.