Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
tinder is all about the long game
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.