Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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got so much cardio in today
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My plans: 2020:
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?