I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Tremendous stuff
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist