She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
dads on road-trips be like
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Straight people are cancelled
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.