Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
You Might Also Like
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra