Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
FINE, I WON’T.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?