People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I love you…
…r dog.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
#parenting
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.