ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.