Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.