What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Effort made
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.