Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign