Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Someone just threatened to call me later
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.