when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it