Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.