280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.