[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun