Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
You Might Also Like
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Bootstraps
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.