A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”