Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes