When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
whatcha thinkin bout
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else