“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
This is I, Robot all over again
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Hot hot hot 🥵
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid